My Neighbours Think My Lover is My Friend

… who helps me with housework.

I’m not joking, my neighbour has said a few times it’s “good you have someone around to help you with the house”. They’ve seen us kiss and cuddle and I’ve told them we’re dating but it doesn’t matter.

They are lovely people who I adore, but they genuinely believe I’m waiting for a cis-dude to come along and marry me. To help with this aim they keep trying to set me up with a bachelor they know, and by “bachelor” I mean a much older alcoholic dude with serious financial and social problems.

Don’t they know the only kind of “housework” my lover is here for IS THE NAKED KIND.

Jokes aside though, it’s turns out what I’m experiencing is somewhat of a generalised phenomenon:


But this brings me to the point. I’m quite interested at my own internalised homophobia and some of the notions I carried around in my head before coming out as queer. I had a really serious problem about believing that two same sex people could have a complete world socially, financially and labour-wise. In the unexplored recesses of my mind I held onto the idea that I needed a man to complete my life in these regards and I’m quite shocked at my own thinking, it only became obvious to me in the early days of meeting my lover. There is no question that I legitimately loved my male partners. But I recall a friend asked me if I could ‘do it with a woman’ and by that she meant bear and raise a child with a same sex partner and I said ‘yes’ but I remember thinking ‘maybe not’.

I’m just avoiding the issue of gender here because people read us as same sex while neither of us are binary. That’s another issue altogether.

Anyway, I’m almost 40. Being in the closet sucks and it’s kind of gross coming face-to-face with your murky inner world sometimes. Growing up in a homophobic community sucks. But what doesn’t suck is freeing my own mind and life from my own problematic thinking and moving on. I think what is interesting is not only how I related in my former relationships to the gender of those partners, but more how I related to those partners with my own gender performance. Being in a relationship without feeling the need to respond to expectations around traditional gender performance is liberating. The pressure to perform female all the time is deeply tiring and absolutely wrong for me.


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